Inconsequential Insanities

SADNESS

2007-04-23T09:30:00.000-04:00

*After the Virginia Tech shooting, I haven't felt good about hating on people, so I haven't written here for awhile. But after a grieving, depressed period, friends, the hatin' on peeps will start again soon.*

AGE IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

2007-04-10T10:04:00.000-04:00

It's my brother's birthday tomorrow. He'll be 26. He might be 26, but he's still a kid to me. I'm old. I'm 28. Thusly, anybody younger than me, I'll call kid. It's true...kid.

THE END IS NIGH!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-04-07T10:03:00.000-04:00

American Idol is SERIOUSLY flawed. Sanjaya still remains????????? He the absolute WORST. How can this continue??????? Idol has been cheapened. That's what you get when you leave the sole decision of who stays up to the American people...

GREAT AMERICAN NIGHTMARE

2007-03-28T18:29:00.000-04:00

Last night watched The Great American vote. It featured people facing off to plead their case to the audience to make their dream come true What did they wish for?? Help with their illness? Helping homless find homes? Nope. It was two men wishing for a full head of hair, mothers wanting their daughters to be pageant winners, and two people wishing for their own businesses. I haven't discussed the lameness of this junk, i.e. mother wants daughter to be Miss Rodeo Clown; man wants to start amusement park based on chicken. LAME!

2007-01-11T10:49:00.000-05:00

My honey Rachael Ray had two of my archnemiseses on her show today: Steven Cojocaru and Gayle King. Both irritate me. Gayle King's only claim to "fame" is being Oprah's best friend. Do something else for yourself other than hanging with Oprah!

Gayle King's resume:

-Oprah's best friend

THE SAINTS ARE...COMING?

2007-01-06T13:28:00.002-05:00

A month ago, I saw the video for U2/Green Day's "The Saints Are Coming," when a break>A month ago, I saw the video for U2/Green Day's "The Saints Are Coming," when a breaking news came on the bottom of the screen. It read: "Troops pulled out of Iraq and sent to help Katrina victims" Holy Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! I thought.The war is over! I immediately switched to the local news. Nothing. I thought, maybe they're saving this important news for the Today show? Watched Today. Still nothing. Then it dawned on me: Ohhhhhh...that was part of the video. Oops. I'm dumb. Come to find out. now instead of the troops leaving Iraq, the government now plans to send 20,000 more! Lambs to slaughter friends...

MATTY'S SICKNESS RECIPE

2006-12-10T11:46:00.000-05:00

Start with a base high fever. Stir in weakness. Add a tablespoon of projectile vomiting. Add a cup of being delirious. Add 2 cups of peeing blood. Stir in 500 bowls of a life-threatening infection, After this I happened twice, I dropped 35 lbs. Now I'm a scrawny wimp. If you're trying to lose weight, DO NOT do this. You'll die.

The Pitfalls of Myspace

2006-08-16T09:40:00.001-04:00

In another way I'm being stalked (for the first, see the post below) last week I was veritably assaulted by Myspace friend requests. Not one, not two, but TWENTY-ONE. And they were stupid too. Scantily clad girls whose About Me section all began with "ew to area" Everyone of them! If you're going to try and add people as friends, at least have the common decency to spell correctly!

To visit my Myspace, go here.

I'M SCARED whimper

2006-08-06T10:46:00.000-04:00

I seem to have a stalker. But who would ever stalk you Matt? you might ask. A friend turned archnemesis friend turned stalker, that's who. She used to be my friend until she started pestering me to get something to eat with her all the time. Last Thursday she called me not once, not twice, but FOUR TIMES. Once I legitimately missed it, once I was busy, twice I purposely missed it. Then the next day, she called twice more! Needless to say, I didn't return any of the six calls. This has even gotten me so paranoid I've been drawing the blinds--something I never do--for fear I'm being watched. If you don't hear from me again, I might be dead. Godspeed ladies and gentlemen.

IT'S NOT DUMB, IT'S STUPID

2006-08-02T11:02:00.000-04:00

This country-wide heatwave reminds thing that really annoys me: When people say, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity!" Well I'll be. By gum, I think you might be on to something!

GNARLY

2006-08-01T10:37:00.000-04:00

Everyone seems to like that song "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley, but I think it sucks. But it isn't like my opinion counts or anything. Don't just take my for it, decide for yourself.

OUTING THE OUTED

2006-07-30T11:24:00.000-04:00

Who didn't think Lance Bass was gay? Hands? Didn't think so.

VISION OF HATE

2006-07-10T14:00:00.000-04:00

The whole day I've had a Mariah Carey's Vision of Love in my head. This day can surely be marked down as a totaal loss now.

*Interesting note: After searching on Google for Mariah Carey images, the only ones I saw always featured her voluptuous assets.

TIED TO BE FIT

2006-07-09T10:40:00.000-04:00

I hate when Charles Osgood wears a regular tie on CBS Sunday Morning and not his trademark bowtie. It's just not the same... *sniffle*

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*NOTE* Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I've been ~~lazy~~ ~~unmotivated~~ ~~running guns to Nicaragua~~ busy. I'll try and do better.

AMERICAN IDOL 2006

2006-05-26T22:58:00.000-04:00

Two days late and three dollars short, but here's my thoughts on the American Idol 2006 finale:

The Good: Taylor Hicks winning
The Bad: Clay Aiken's biggest fan
The Ugly: Clay Aiken's freak nasty mop top. What the frick?!?!?!
The Best: Prince!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DISAPPOINTED ALIVE

2006-05-09T22:53:00.000-04:00

Is it just me, or was David Blaine’s whole “Drowned Alive” schtick pretty disappointing? Yes, he did hold his breath for 7 minutes, a long time to be sure, but 2 minutes short of what he was shooting for. With the overblown hype of this two hour special, its destiny was to disappoint. Blaine should do something magical! Like standing on a platform! Errr…I mean, being frozen in ice! Ummm…performing sleight of hand card ticks to random people on the street? Yeah, that’s it.

HERE COMES THE USHER

2006-04-22T20:43:00.000-04:00

I'm wouldn't consider myself a fan of Usher by any means, but damn man--that boy can move!

HERE TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

2006-04-10T00:03:00.000-04:00

By now, I’m sure everybody has heard that Katie Couric will be the new anchor of the CBS evening news. This news is good for all involved, but not for me. This means Katie is REPLACING BOB SCHIEFFER!!! Nooooooooooo! Bob is the man. Now my only Schieffer fix will be Face the Nation. Damn you Couric! Damn you!!!

CELL PHONE WOES

2006-03-31T19:48:00.000-05:00

My cell phone is now on the blink, fritzing out on me whenever it chooses. razzum frazzum... The 2 and 8 buttons no longer work. So if your number has a 2 or an 8 in it, sorry, you won't be getting a call from me. As it is now, when I send someone a text message, it comes out something like "How's i0 going? W0nn0 go 0o 0he mo0ies l00er?" As you can see, I replace the letters I can't use with a 0. Necessity is the mother of invention, friends.

I HEARD YOU HAD THE FEVER FOR THE FLAVOR

2006-03-13T21:38:00.000-05:00

A truly sad moment in television history took place last night, when VH1’s Flavor of Love ended its run. The show stars Flavor Flav and features a bevy of females competing Bachelor-style ior his affections. The question is, why? What does Flavor Flav possibly have that can make him attractive to anyone? Is it the screechy, annoying voice? Is it the gold in his teeth? Is it the giant clocks he wears around his neck? Even when he was in Public Enemy, he was by far the least coolest member. Even the guys who stood around doing nothing but looking mean were cooler. So what is it that drew these women to appear on this show? Yeah yeah, I know, it’s the gold in the teeth. It’s what draws women to me too.

I’M ALIVE! ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

2006-03-11T19:52:00.000-05:00

Some of you may have noticed I haven’t blogged in awhile. Some of you may have not noticed. Most of you were probably glad you didn’t have to be subjected to my lame jokes. But after being sick for a few weeks, I found out I had an infection when my leg swelled to epic proportions. It had to be cut open and drained—of a liter of pus! So I spent 3 weeks in the hospital. Thusly, I was cut off from society as we know it. I felt like I was making a prison break when I finally got out of the joint. So now I have to rejoin the real world and become an upstanding member of society. Or maybe just resort to my former life of evil, criminal genius. Yeah, probably.

And just for an added bonus for you, the reader, check out my my wound y'all.

TALES OF THE WEIRD

2006-01-23T21:57:00.000-05:00

Today I read a newspaper article about people putting weird items up for auction on eBay under the category “Weird Stuff.” Stuff like an empty Diet Pepsi can or a paper clip and other useless items. The truly weird thing is that people will actually shell out money for this junk. Heck, if I’d known that, I would’ve put up my breaded chicken fillet in the shape of the state of Maine.

Instead, I ate it.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH?

2006-01-15T23:08:00.000-05:00

Glory Road, starring Josh Lucas, opened #1 at the box office this weekend. Is it just me, or does Josh Lucas
look like some kind of a jobber Matthew McConaughey? Look at ‘em!

Film executive 1: “Let’s get McConaughey for this one!”

Film executive 2: “Sir, with the budget we have for this picture, we simply cannot afford him.”

Film executive 1: "In that case, get me Josh Lucas!”

TOU EDISNI

2006-01-06T23:45:00.000-05:00

Why, when I do laundry and pull the clothes out of the dryer, are most of them are inside out? I mean, seriously, after doing laundry yesterday, I would guesstimate that 80% of the clothes that were in there were turned inside out. Now, by no means is it difficult to turn them right side in, it just irks me. There must be some trick to preventing this, but I don’t know it. Guess I’ll have to give Martha Stewart a ring and, and say, “What’s the trick, sis?”

THE LEAP

2006-01-01T14:08:00.000-05:00

Boy, I tell ya, I’ve been feeling so rushed and harried lately, that I’m really glad the world has gained an extra second. Now I feel like I have plenty of time to do anything I want. The pressure is finally off!