Inconsequential Insanities

SADNESS

2007-04-23T09:30:00.000-04:00

*After the Virginia Tech shooting, I haven't felt good about hating on people, so I haven't written here for awhile. But after a grieving, depressed period, friends, the hatin' on peeps will start again soon.*

AGE IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

2007-04-10T10:04:00.000-04:00

It's my brother's birthday tomorrow. He'll be 26. He might be 26, but he's still a kid to me. I'm old. I'm 28. Thusly, anybody younger than me, I'll call kid. It's true...kid.

THE END IS NIGH!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-04-07T10:03:00.000-04:00

American Idol is SERIOUSLY flawed. Sanjaya still remains????????? He the absolute WORST. How can this continue??????? Idol has been cheapened. That's what you get when you leave the sole decision of who stays up to the American people...

GREAT AMERICAN NIGHTMARE

2007-03-28T18:29:00.000-04:00

Last night watched The Great American vote. It featured people facing off to plead their case to the audience to make their dream come true What did they wish for?? Help with their illness? Helping homless find homes? Nope. It was two men wishing for a full head of hair, mothers wanting their daughters to be pageant winners, and two people wishing for their own businesses. I haven't discussed the lameness of this junk, i.e. mother wants daughter to be Miss Rodeo Clown; man wants to start amusement park based on chicken. LAME!

2007-01-11T10:49:00.000-05:00

My honey Rachael Ray had two of my archnemiseses on her show today: Steven Cojocaru and Gayle King. Both irritate me. Gayle King's only claim to "fame" is being Oprah's best friend. Do something else for yourself other than hanging with Oprah!

Gayle King's resume:

-Oprah's best friend

THE SAINTS ARE...COMING?

2007-01-06T13:28:00.002-05:00

A month ago, I saw the video for U2/Green Day's "The Saints Are Coming," when a break>A month ago, I saw the video for U2/Green Day's "The Saints Are Coming," when a breaking news came on the bottom of the screen. It read: "Troops pulled out of Iraq and sent to help Katrina victims" Holy Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! I thought.The war is over! I immediately switched to the local news. Nothing. I thought, maybe they're saving this important news for the Today show? Watched Today. Still nothing. Then it dawned on me: Ohhhhhh...that was part of the video. Oops. I'm dumb. Come to find out. now instead of the troops leaving Iraq, the government now plans to send 20,000 more! Lambs to slaughter friends...

MATTY'S SICKNESS RECIPE

2006-12-10T11:46:00.000-05:00

Start with a base high fever. Stir in weakness. Add a tablespoon of projectile vomiting. Add a cup of being delirious. Add 2 cups of peeing blood. Stir in 500 bowls of a life-threatening infection, After this I happened twice, I dropped 35 lbs. Now I'm a scrawny wimp. If you're trying to lose weight, DO NOT do this. You'll die.

The Pitfalls of Myspace

2006-08-16T09:40:00.001-04:00

In another way I'm being stalked (for the first, see the post below) last week I was veritably assaulted by Myspace friend requests. Not one, not two, but TWENTY-ONE. And they were stupid too. Scantily clad girls whose About Me section all began with "ew to area" Everyone of them! If you're going to try and add people as friends, at least have the common decency to spell correctly!

To visit my Myspace, go here.

I'M SCARED whimper

2006-08-06T10:46:00.000-04:00

I seem to have a stalker. But who would ever stalk you Matt? you might ask. A friend turned archnemesis friend turned stalker, that's who. She used to be my friend until she started pestering me to get something to eat with her all the time. Last Thursday she called me not once, not twice, but FOUR TIMES. Once I legitimately missed it, once I was busy, twice I purposely missed it. Then the next day, she called twice more! Needless to say, I didn't return any of the six calls. This has even gotten me so paranoid I've been drawing the blinds--something I never do--for fear I'm being watched. If you don't hear from me again, I might be dead. Godspeed ladies and gentlemen.

IT'S NOT DUMB, IT'S STUPID

2006-08-02T11:02:00.000-04:00

This country-wide heatwave reminds thing that really annoys me: When people say, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity!" Well I'll be. By gum, I think you might be on to something!

GNARLY

2006-08-01T10:37:00.000-04:00

Everyone seems to like that song "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley, but I think it sucks. But it isn't like my opinion counts or anything. Don't just take my for it, decide for yourself.

OUTING THE OUTED

2006-07-30T11:24:00.000-04:00

Who didn't think Lance Bass was gay? Hands? Didn't think so.

VISION OF HATE

2006-07-10T14:00:00.000-04:00

The whole day I've had a Mariah Carey's Vision of Love in my head. This day can surely be marked down as a totaal loss now.

*Interesting note: After searching on Google for Mariah Carey images, the only ones I saw always featured her voluptuous assets.

TIED TO BE FIT

2006-07-09T10:40:00.000-04:00

I hate when Charles Osgood wears a regular tie on CBS Sunday Morning and not his trademark bowtie. It's just not the same... *sniffle*

------------------------------
*NOTE* Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I've been ~~lazy~~ ~~unmotivated~~ ~~running guns to Nicaragua~~ busy. I'll try and do better.

AMERICAN IDOL 2006

2006-05-26T22:58:00.000-04:00

Two days late and three dollars short, but here's my thoughts on the American Idol 2006 finale:

The Good: Taylor Hicks winning
The Bad: Clay Aiken's biggest fan
The Ugly: Clay Aiken's freak nasty mop top. What the frick?!?!?!
The Best: Prince!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DISAPPOINTED ALIVE

2006-05-09T22:53:00.000-04:00

Is it just me, or was David Blaine’s whole “Drowned Alive” schtick pretty disappointing? Yes, he did hold his breath for 7 minutes, a long time to be sure, but 2 minutes short of what he was shooting for. With the overblown hype of this two hour special, its destiny was to disappoint. Blaine should do something magical! Like standing on a platform! Errr…I mean, being frozen in ice! Ummm…performing sleight of hand card ticks to random people on the street? Yeah, that’s it.

HERE COMES THE USHER

2006-04-22T20:43:00.000-04:00

I'm wouldn't consider myself a fan of Usher by any means, but damn man--that boy can move!

HERE TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

2006-04-10T00:03:00.000-04:00

By now, I’m sure everybody has heard that Katie Couric will be the new anchor of the CBS evening news. This news is good for all involved, but not for me. This means Katie is REPLACING BOB SCHIEFFER!!! Nooooooooooo! Bob is the man. Now my only Schieffer fix will be Face the Nation. Damn you Couric! Damn you!!!

CELL PHONE WOES

2006-03-31T19:48:00.000-05:00

My cell phone is now on the blink, fritzing out on me whenever it chooses. razzum frazzum... The 2 and 8 buttons no longer work. So if your number has a 2 or an 8 in it, sorry, you won't be getting a call from me. As it is now, when I send someone a text message, it comes out something like "How's i0 going? W0nn0 go 0o 0he mo0ies l00er?" As you can see, I replace the letters I can't use with a 0. Necessity is the mother of invention, friends.

I HEARD YOU HAD THE FEVER FOR THE FLAVOR

2006-03-13T21:38:00.000-05:00

A truly sad moment in television history took place last night, when VH1’s Flavor of Love ended its run. The show stars Flavor Flav and features a bevy of females competing Bachelor-style ior his affections. The question is, why? What does Flavor Flav possibly have that can make him attractive to anyone? Is it the screechy, annoying voice? Is it the gold in his teeth? Is it the giant clocks he wears around his neck? Even when he was in Public Enemy, he was by far the least coolest member. Even the guys who stood around doing nothing but looking mean were cooler. So what is it that drew these women to appear on this show? Yeah yeah, I know, it’s the gold in the teeth. It’s what draws women to me too.

I’M ALIVE! ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

2006-03-11T19:52:00.000-05:00

Some of you may have noticed I haven’t blogged in awhile. Some of you may have not noticed. Most of you were probably glad you didn’t have to be subjected to my lame jokes. But after being sick for a few weeks, I found out I had an infection when my leg swelled to epic proportions. It had to be cut open and drained—of a liter of pus! So I spent 3 weeks in the hospital. Thusly, I was cut off from society as we know it. I felt like I was making a prison break when I finally got out of the joint. So now I have to rejoin the real world and become an upstanding member of society. Or maybe just resort to my former life of evil, criminal genius. Yeah, probably.

And just for an added bonus for you, the reader, check out my my wound y'all.

TALES OF THE WEIRD

2006-01-23T21:57:00.000-05:00

Today I read a newspaper article about people putting weird items up for auction on eBay under the category “Weird Stuff.” Stuff like an empty Diet Pepsi can or a paper clip and other useless items. The truly weird thing is that people will actually shell out money for this junk. Heck, if I’d known that, I would’ve put up my breaded chicken fillet in the shape of the state of Maine.

Instead, I ate it.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH?

2006-01-15T23:08:00.000-05:00

Glory Road, starring Josh Lucas, opened #1 at the box office this weekend. Is it just me, or does Josh Lucas
look like some kind of a jobber Matthew McConaughey? Look at ‘em!

Film executive 1: “Let’s get McConaughey for this one!”

Film executive 2: “Sir, with the budget we have for this picture, we simply cannot afford him.”

Film executive 1: "In that case, get me Josh Lucas!”

TOU EDISNI

2006-01-06T23:45:00.000-05:00

Why, when I do laundry and pull the clothes out of the dryer, are most of them are inside out? I mean, seriously, after doing laundry yesterday, I would guesstimate that 80% of the clothes that were in there were turned inside out. Now, by no means is it difficult to turn them right side in, it just irks me. There must be some trick to preventing this, but I don’t know it. Guess I’ll have to give Martha Stewart a ring and, and say, “What’s the trick, sis?”

THE LEAP

2006-01-01T14:08:00.000-05:00

Boy, I tell ya, I’ve been feeling so rushed and harried lately, that I’m really glad the world has gained an extra second. Now I feel like I have plenty of time to do anything I want. The pressure is finally off!

HAPPY NO YEAR

2005-12-31T18:49:00.000-05:00

Have a Happy New Year! ...because I won't be. "But Matt." you say, "You live in a city, you must have some fun First Night activities tonight!" Nay my friends, nay. Portland, Maine has decided the past two years to have a "Family Day," with family-friendly events throughout New Year's Eve day. There are problems with this: a) I don't have kids, b) I am not a kid, and c) YOU DON'T CELEBRATE NEW YEAR'S EVE DURING THE DAY!!!!! Whose bright idea is this?? Everything's over by 5 PM! What a way to ring in the new year...

FEDERLAME

2005-12-31T14:38:00.000-05:00

KevinFederline.com is the funniest thing I've ever seen yo. I can't wait til his record drops in 2006 yo. It's gonna be da bomb yo.

QUEEN FOR A DAY

2005-12-29T22:48:00.000-05:00

Oh Queen Latifah, what has become of thee? You started out as a rapper, moved swiftly into television show Living Single, then made your way into the all-star cast of the film version of Chicago! But your follow-up movie was the terrible Taxi, followed by the bogus Beauty Shop, and now your next movie, the sure-to-be-limp Last Holiday, comes. But you didn't allow yourself to wallow in mediocrity, oh no, you actually took a step further down into the basest form of mediocrity and started to do voice-over work for Pizza Hut, and Wal-Mart commercials. So Latifah, what's the next step for you? Carnival shows? Furniture store flyers?? Flea Market appearances???

POLITICAL CORRECTMAS

2005-12-23T22:15:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas everyone! errr...I mean, Season's Greetings! ummm...I mean, Happy Holidays! oops. Oh, whatever I say, someone is bound to be upset...

VIA SATELLITE

2005-12-18T14:05:00.000-05:00

There’s been a lot of hubbub recently about Howard Stern leaving FM radio for Sirius satellite radio. I don’t understand this satellite radio fad. You have to PAY for a satellite compatible device in order to listen to it, then you have to PAY a monthly subsciption fee on top of that. What is with that?? I’m from the OLD SCHOOL, where you bought a radio, flipped up the antenna, and listened to one of many different stations all to your heart’s content. FOR FREE.

BLOWN AWAY

2005-12-13T22:01:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I bought a box of Kleenex brand tissues (a big box of 180 cause my nose always runs. 3-ply, natch). It cost $2.79, which I think was pretty darn expensive. Especially when you consider their main function is to HAVE A NOSE BLOWN INTO THEM!!!!! Alas, now I’ve blown my hard-earned money--ha ha!

PHONES AND PHONIES

2005-12-11T14:51:00.000-05:00

For ths Christmas season, Motorola is now offering its RAZR phone in a pink color (it’s officially named the “RAZR Magenta,” but I calls ‘em like I sees ‘em, and I sees pink). So yes friends, now you too can be as hip and trendy as Paris Hilton! Way to market those phones Motorola! By placing early versions of this phone into the hands of a fine, upstanding, classy celebrity like Ms. Hilton, you have modeled for us how truly cool we can be.

FLOP SCOTCH

2005-12-07T21:44:00.000-05:00

This holiday season, Scotch has come out with a new product called the Contour Dispenser. It dispenses tape in a sleek, elegant shape. Pretty nice. However, there’s one problem with this product as far as I can see: You buy Scotch tape for the TAPE and not the DISPENSER. Dang it, I don’t care what the dispenser looks like as long as the tape sticks! What do they expect you to do, display the dispenser on your mantle?? “This is little Brenda’s 4-H trophy…this is Bill’s bowling trophy…and this is my Scotch tape contour dispenser!” So unless you plan on admiring your dispenser all by yourself while wrapping your Christmas presents, you probably don’t need this, or its (likely) extra cost.

BABY OVERBOARD

2005-12-03T13:50:00.000-05:00

Well I'll be. Jennifer Garner finally had her baby. And only one day after my last post saying she had been pregnant forever too. The only explanation can be that she read this blog and thought, "You know, he's right, it has been a long time. I've got to induce labor--now!" Yes, that's probably it. No, no. No need to thank me.

BABY ON BOARD...AND BOARD...AND BOARD

2005-11-29T19:07:00.000-05:00

Is it just me, or has Jennifer Garner been pregnant FOREVER. Have the kid already! In other Alias thoughts, I don't know about Rachel Nichols, the girl that was (supposed) to replace Garner before the show was canceled (grrr). She ain't no J. Garner, that's for sure. Guess I don't have to worry about it anymore though... *sniffle*

Here's an interesting fact: I am three degrees of separation from knowing Rachel Nichols. Uh huh. Her --> Her father --> (who knows) My dad --> Me. Plus, she went to the high school in the city next to mine. Yeah, that's right, I'm cool.

SPLIT OF THE CENTURY!

2005-11-25T10:04:00.000-05:00

OMG! Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson have split up! If those two kids can’t make it in this crazy world, what chance do the rest of us have!

THE MOST TRAGIC-EST OF ALL EVENTS. IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. IN THE HISTORY OF TIME. IN THE HISTORY BEFORE TIME. EVER.

2005-11-24T22:13:00.000-05:00

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Alias, formerly known as the best show ever, currently known as the show showing improvement after last year's mediocrity, has been canceled!!! This is a tragedy of the utmost proportions. Getting canceled is the low blow of network television. You can't even wrap up story threads,or character situatuions, it just ENDS. *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

*I have since found out that Alias will continue to run through May, culminating in a big, blow out finale. Relief...for now.*

3 x DUMB = 3 DUMBentional

2005-11-21T23:46:00.000-05:00

In one of the sadder events of recent times, Adam and I bought this week’s issue of TV Guide. But not to see what’s on TV--oh no, for that would be far cooler than what we did--but to get the pair of glasses to watch tonight’s 3D episode of “our favorite show we never watch,” Medium, thinking it might get us to actually watch it for once. And let me tell you, that was some of the worst 3D I’ve seen this side of Jaws 3-D. The stuff they three dimensionalized was dumb, and nothing looked like it was in 3D anyway. So we still didn’t watch it. At least the TV Guide was only 99 cents this week. But sorry NBC, in a small random sample study of two people, your cheesy gimmick failed to win over any new viewers.

WARNING!

2005-11-20T01:05:00.000-05:00

ER anyone?

2005-11-17T23:05:00.000-05:00

Who thinks ER has been on far past its prime? Hands? Yeah, me too. My brother and I have a saying: “anybody can be on ER.” Never more true than on this season. Tonight they have guest stars John Stamos and Serena Williams. Not to mention guest stars on every episode this season, such as Kristen Johnson and John Leguizamo. Add in special guest stars this season alone, like Sara Gilbert and Danny Glover. Add in guest stars in the previous couple of seasons, like Bob Newhart and Ray Liotta, and there you have it. Everyone who’s anyone is on ER.

MEDIUM SHOW, EXTRA SMALL APPEAL

2005-11-14T23:47:00.000-05:00

My brother and I always “watch” Medium on Mondays, calling it “our favorite show we never watch.” We’ve tried to pay attention to it, really we have, but we can’t get into it. Obviously, someone must watch it since those same people voted Patricia Arquette to win the best dramatic actress Emmy for this role. The plot seemingly revolves around Patricia having a vision, waking up in bed with her husband, and eating. That’s all I ever see anyway. Sounds like a sure-fire winner to me! Don’t ya see why we watch it now??

But daaaaaaaamn! What up wit’ dem sickly lookin’ bangs girl??

HIS WORD IS BOND

2005-11-10T22:29:00.000-05:00

One thing I haven’t talked about is Daniel Craig, aka the new James Bond. I got my first look-see at this fellow as I watched the movie Layer Cake, and…I don’t know. Besides the obvious un-like Bond qualities like his blonde hair and blue eyes, look at him, his face is old. Even though he’s 15 years younger than Pierce Brosnan, he looks about 15 years older. I don’t know, I’m just sayin’. But I’m willing to give him a chance. Just please please please be better than Timothy Dalton, aka jobber Bond. Do that simple thing for me Daniel, that's all I ask! For all that is good and holy man! Think of the children!

IT’S ALL…FUN? (AND GAMES)

2005-11-07T21:26:00.000-05:00

So Hasbro has intoduced a new Candy Land DVD game for the Christmas season. You play the game on a mat by following what the TV screen instructs you to do. But it sounds like a scheme from Hasbro to make more money to me. That's cause I’m from the old school, where we played BOARD games on a BOARD!

Milton Bradley also has a new game out called Guesstures, In this game you make gestures in order to make someone guess what you mean before a timer runs out, based on what a "mimer timer" tells you. But again, I’m from the OLD SCHOOL, where we did the same thing called CHARADES, with our OWN bodies and OWN minds, and didn’t have to SPEND $25.99 on a game to do it!

NOW STARRING...FOUR BITS!

2005-11-04T18:05:00.000-05:00

Be sure to run right out and see Get Rich or Die Tryin' with the starring debut of 50 Cent! That's right kids, in it, 50's performance is sure to rival DMX's in Never Die Alone as some of the finest film acting to ever see the light of a movie screen. Watch out box office--this one's gonna pull in some serious coin!! No joke!

27 GOING ON 100

2005-10-29T23:09:00.000-04:00

It was my birthday yesterday. I’m 27 now. I feel old.

So how old am I?

-I remember the Betamax VCR
-I was born before the decade of the 1980s
-I call LeBron James “kid” even though he’s an NBA superstar and makes a gazillion dollars
-I used to listen to very hard, abrasive music. Now I like the same music my dad likes
-I’m older than Rudy Huxtable
-I was alive when John Paul II became Pope
-I’ve been through 5 presidents, 3 with two terms
-I was alive when Eliott Gould was one of the biggest box office stars of his day

Proof enough for you??

STEP UP TO THE PLATE

2005-10-23T13:20:00.000-04:00

Dis iz da dopest thing I e'er seen.

TO SAVE OR NOT TO SAVE. THAT IS THE QUESTION

2005-10-21T23:23:00.000-04:00

A lot of the time, I like watching commercials more than the actual television shows. They’re often funny, and they amuse me, unlike the rest of the schlock programming that's on. Some of my personal favorites are Geico commercials. They are always consistently funny. The cavemen ones are the best things ever. Gotta give props to Speed Racer too. They’re gold man! Gold!

And I was even suckered in by the Geico ads. In the hopes of lowering my already exhorbitant car insurance, I decided to get a rate quote from them. This is what I found out: Lies! All liiiiies!!! The rate turned out to be $144 HIGHER than what I already pay! So, my friends, I have proven that it is simply NOT TRUE that you can save a bunch of money on your car insurance by switching to Geico.

MILESTONE!

2005-10-15T14:32:00.000-04:00

WELCOME TO MY 500th BLOG POST!!! Yep, Inconsequential Insanities, the little blog that could, has been going strong for 3 years, bringing delight to all. I don't know what devoting all this time to this blog says about me, but I can live with it. I tried to think of a super duper, bang-up, blow-out post to commemorate this momentous occasion, but of course, I couldn't. So here are some Inconsequential Insanities stats...

-Date of first post: October 22, 2002
-Average visitors per day: 3 (c'mon people!)
-Highest one day visitor total: 27
-Total number of votes on Bloghop: 116
-Number of "Love it!" votes on Bloghop: 36
-Number of "Hate it" votes on Bloghop: 16
-Number of times I hated on Jennifer Lopez: 6
-Number of times I hated on Martha Stewart: 5
-Number of times I hated on Everybody Loves Raymond: 4
-Number of times I hated on Puff/Puffy/P./Daddy/Diddy/Duddy: 4
-Number of people who came to bodily harm during the making of this blog: 3...and a half
-Number of times Foghorn Leghorn has been mentioned: 1
-Amount of money made by me for this blog: $0
-Anount of fun I had doing it: priceless

To 500 more!

Cheers,
Matt

THE PAY OFF? HARDLY

2005-10-02T22:52:00.000-04:00

hahahahahaha! Martha Stewart, queen of perfect and one of my many archnemesises, now has a failure on her hands. Actually, two of them, as both her daytime television show Martha, and her primetime show The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, are tanking in the ratings. Actually, add another flag to her failure cap, as her version of The Apprentice is also said to be diluting The Apprentice brand, and dragging down Trump's version with it. And all this after the heralding of her triumpant return after doing time for her nefarious activities. For shame Martha, for shame. It just goes to show you kids, crime doesn't pay.

ROUND AND ROUND! WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND.

2005-09-30T22:06:00.000-04:00

Why is every new product coming out these days going the way of the circle? By that I mean, all these products lately are getting names that incorporate "360" into their names You've got Yahoo 360, XBox 360, and ESPN 360. This doesn't make much sense. To me, 360 seems not revolutionary but exactly the opposite. 360 brings to mind 360 degrees. 360 degreess constitutes a circle. A circle goes around in, well, a circle. To me, that says, "We're taking this product so far ahead of everything else! ...and then bringing it back to the same old thing." These names are not a good marketing technique in my opine. So the new revolution is the same old revolution folks. Welcome to 2005! (minus 10)

BOY BANDERS AND ROCK STARS. THE SAME, BUT NOT EVEN CLOSE

2005-09-21T20:51:00.000-04:00

JD??? JD??????????? What the flippity flip! If you don't know what I'm talking about, you're much cooler than me, but on Rock Star: INXS, JD was named the lead singer of the band. My boy Mig got the shaft. JD looks like he belongs in a boy band, not a rock band. But considering the established band members have to be around the half century mark, maybe they were trying to target a younger market. But dudes, honestly, it ain't gonna happen.

JD did do one cool thing though: During the performance of his original song "Pretty Vegas," he shouted lyrics through a megaphone. Yup, can't get much cooler than that. Tomorrow I'm gonna go to the nearest elementary school, steal me a megaphone off a playground monitor, and sing through it. Look for my album in early '06.

TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN?

2005-09-15T21:14:00.000-04:00

To exceed his already immense lameness, Diddy made a television guest appearance today--on Martha Stewart's new daytime show Martha. Highlights included Diddy watering plants and making dumplings, and Martha pseudo-rapping. This is about the truly stupidest thing ever. If Diddy is trying to keep any semblance of street cred, this is not the way to do it. Martha is more hardcore than Diddy for cry Pete! She's an ex-con. Diddy just makes clothes and bad music.

ROCK STAR?

2005-09-13T22:20:00.000-04:00

That show Rock Star: INXS isn’t bad, but it does have some problems. For one, even though the band and Dave Navarro are quasi judges, offering criticism to the singing contestants, NONE OF THEM ARE SINGERS (well, Navarro did put some solo albums of his own out, but does anyone remember them?). So I’m not exactly sure what qualifies them to give vocal criticism.

Also, one of the young 20-something contestants on the show will win the grand prize: to become the lead singer of INXS. That’s great, but when you consider that the band members are probably all in their 50s and they haven’t been famous in TWENTY YEARS, it really doesn’t seem to be all that cool now, does it?

But Dave Navarro is truly the nicest, coolest rock star around. I'd like to hang out with him. But not with INXS' Kirk Pengilly, who's got the fruitest moustache ever. He considers himself a "rock star" with that thing?? (couldn't find a pic, but trust me folks)

WHAT YOU WANT TO SEARCH FOR?

2005-09-11T14:45:00.000-04:00

MSN Suggested Searches today:

* News: Wheat fungus
* Hippopotamus
* Breakfast cereal
* Ape habitats
* Pesticide tests

Who--why--? Seriously, who looks this kind of stuff up? Couldn't we have more exciting suggestions? Something the kids want to see? Cockfights, black tar heroin, running guns to Nicaragua? Something interesting in other words. C'mon Microsoft!

DUDDY

2005-09-10T18:35:00.000-04:00

This is a little old, but I was reminded by I Don't Like You In That Way via this piece, about Puffy--I mean, Puff Daddy--errr, P. Diddy--damn it! Diddy! STOP CHANGING YOUR NAME YOU NAME FETISHEST!--hosting the MTV Video Music Awards and how it plummeted 22% in the ratings from last year.

This doesn't surprise me. I tuned in to maybe 5 minutes of the Awards, and that was far more than I could take. It was so hip hop-ified it made me cringe. Diddy thinks he's sooooo cool in his haute couture, doesn't he? He announced that the theme for the show was "anything can happen." Then he unveiled a surprise guest--MC Hammer. Wow! No way! Hammer in da house?! Holy flippity flip! This is so cool! ...if it was 1990...when I was 12. Puh-lease. With all these hip stylings in full effect, Green Day were probably sitting there thinking, “What. The hell. Have we gotten ourselves into."

Next year, they should bring in someone that actually knows how to host. And if you make promises that “anything can happen,” please, MAKE IT HAPPEN.

HOLD ON

2005-09-09T15:10:00.000-04:00

Argh! Today I woke up with Wilson-Phillips' "Hold On" in my head. And this isn't the first time it's happened either. Didn't I get my lifetime fill of that song in the 80s??

While I'm on the subject of Wilson-Phillips, what's the deal with Wendy Wilson? We all know her sister Carnie (stomach stapling surgery, shares her name with a carnival worker) and Chynna Phillips (married the 3rd least jobber Baldwin brother), but what about Wendy? What's she doing? I guess she wants to remian out of the public eye. Though it's not as if she had a choice since Wilson-Phillips disbanded some 15 years ago.

Conveniently, the next two songs to get into my head were "Hold On to the Night" by Richard Marx, and "Hold On Loosely" by.38 Special. Coincedence? Nay, my friends. Nay.

UNIMPRESSIVE

2005-09-01T23:57:00.000-04:00

In one of the funniest news stories this week, the new film Undiscovered starring Ashleeeeeee Simpson, made just $670,000. In its OPENING WEEKEND. That is pretty hideous. Even The Cave beat it for cry Pete! By like SIX times! Maybe this will prove that Ashl(e squared) should herself have been left undiscovered.

A VALIANT EFFORT

2005-08-19T22:43:00.000-04:00

Will anybody ever learn??

Valiant, the new computer animated film from Disney, opens this weekend. But here’s Matty’s golden rule: JUST BECAUSE A MOVIE IS COMPUTER ANIMATED DOESN’T MEAN IT WILL BE GOOD. Remember when there used to be these things they had called “stories”? Those crazy little things actually used to work, even helping Beauty and the Beast garner an Academy Award nomination. So it’s pretty sad that the Walt Disney Co. just closed their last hand-drawn animation studio. They need to open a writing studio that can bring up these strange things from the past they called “ideas”, and other oddities like “characters.” You know, it’s so gosh darn crazy, it just might work!

A TAD BIT OF UPDATE

2005-08-12T06:13:00.000-04:00

Yup, I updated the template, and i must say, it looks wicked better. I was still using the old school Blogger template cause I'm old school like dat yo. But now I'm one of the Leaders of the New School.

Word.

2005-08-11T10:42:00.000-04:00

ROB SCHMUCKDER

On Friday, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo comes out. Was the first one really that good that we need this one? The ONE and ONLY reason Rob Schneider HAS a career is because his buddy Adam Sandler produces his movies. The Animal, The Hot Chick, et al. Plus, he cameos in all of Sandler's movies. And gee, 2 out of Schneider's 4 movies that are classified as being "In Production" are being produced by--who else?--Adam Sandler (himself talentless). Enough is enough. Rob Schneider's fame should've ended in the mid-90s when his SNL stint ended, where his best character on that show was The Copy Guy. The Copy Guy! Which wasn't even funny to begin with! What in the Crizzlemas is that??? How he parlayed that into a movie career the world will never know.

2005-08-07T23:23:00.000-04:00

CELEBRITY FREAK CLUB

I used to think Gary Busey was a crazy, messed up, insane psychopath. And while I still do think that, I think he’s actually the least messed up of all the “celebrities” on Celebrity Fit Club 2. In fact, in comparison to Jani Lane or Willie Aames, what with their emotional issues and anger management issues, respectively, the dude seems downright normal. I hope these people don’t expect this show to revive their dead careers, cause it won’t. Ever. EVER.

And seriously, is Willie Aames with his shirt off not the grossest thing in the world?? I tried to find a picture of his fat, tattoo riddled body, but one didn’t turn up. Trust me, this is probably for the best. But in my quest to find said picture, I turned up something even more sad: The Willie Aames Worship Page. Are you kidding me??? Who in their right mind would worship Willie Aames????? Are they big fans of his Bibleman movies??? Madness my friends. Madness.

2005-07-30T19:02:00.000-04:00

IT'S GETTING BETTER ALL THE TIME

So I saw Better Than Ezra in a free concert the other night. Not bad. They rocked harder than expected them to. Would I pay to see Better Than Ezra? No. But it was free, and you can't beat that. So it was cool. But it sure would've been a lot cooler IF IT WAS 1994.

(I've always wanted to know, who is this Ezra? And why are they better than him? Hey pals--you ain't all that and a box of crackerjacks!)

2005-07-17T22:12:00.000-04:00

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO WATCH TV…

...Pauly Shore shows up again in Minding the Store. yay. I can’t tell you how excited I am. Seriously.
The Weasel was the ~~dumbest~~ coolest thing guy ever. Seriously.

And, even better, he's in a movie too, Pauly Shore Is Dead. I don't think things could get any better. Seriously.

2005-07-12T18:29:00.000-04:00

CULT OF ANDROGYNY

Have you ever seen a random person on the street and can't figure out if it's a man or a woman? Yeah, that happens to me all the time. Seriously.

2005-07-07T12:01:00.000-04:00

INCONSEQUENTIAL RATIOS

I'm as big an Earth Wind and Fire fan as the next guy, but dang man, bass guitarist Vernon White of the group has the biggest eyebrow to hairline ratio I've ever seen (the one on the left in the picture). This even beats Bruce Willis' upper lip to nose ratio.

2005-07-03T22:03:00.000-04:00

THE RING(O)

I had the most bizarre occurrence today. While listening to my iPod on shuffle, I heard four songs of the Beatles with Ringo on lead vocals: Yellow Submarine, With A Little Help From My Friends, Octopus’s Garden, and Good Night. Now I have approximately 3500 songs and at this time listened to only about 30 randomly selected songs, mind you. And considering that there aren't many Beatles songs with Ringo on lead vocals, the chances of this actually happening are astounding. Madness!

2005-07-02T21:25:00.000-04:00

8 IS ENOUGH

I think this Live 8 idea to end poverty in Africa is a good one…in theory. I’m sure there are people out there who do genuinely care about this cause, but I’m sure the majority of people enjoy the musical acts, sign the petition, then never give it another thought. Sad but true.

Yeah I said it.

2005-07-01T23:20:00.001-04:00

BONO, BUT NOT SONNY

Is it just me, or does anyone else hate Bono? Look at him there, looking so smug, always wearing his sunglasses and his leather jacket. Always promoting some cause or another. Going by only one name. He thinks he’s soooo cool.

I own one U2 album, the one universally considered as the worst U2 album ever--Pop. I’ve listened to it exactly…once. I guess Bono was concentrating too much on trying to be cool to put much effort into that one.

Hey Bono, I remember when you sported the mullet pal. You weren’t always as cool as you pretend to be!

2005-06-24T22:42:00.000-04:00

DIST-HERBIE-D

Lindsay Lohan’s new movie, Herbie: Fully Loaded, opened today. Or, as I like to call it, Lindsay Lohan’s Career Suicide.

2005-06-23T23:23:00.000-04:00

LIVING DANGEROUSLY

The other day I got the most dangerous coupon at CVS: $2 off $10 candy purchase. The question was, Do I risk looking like a glutton and buy $10 worth of candy or simply not use the coupon? After debating over this gut-wrenching decision for approximately 1 second, naturally I opted to buy the candy of course! I bought every type of candy too: chocolate, lollipops, licorice, peanut butter cups, gum, etc. Yeah, so I ingest 500 calories a day in candy alone—you got a problem wit dat??

2005-06-15T18:52:00.000-04:00

DAMN DIRTY HIPPIES!!!

2005-06-15T13:15:00.000-04:00

IT WAS DESTINY

Not good news: Destiny's Child is splitting up! Noooooooooooo! Yeah, yeah, go ahead and yuk it up, but I like them. Now how am I going to get my girl group fix? 3LW???

2005-06-14T00:23:00.000-04:00

BAD COLORS DON’T MAKE GOOD SONG TITLES

Kelly Clarkson has a son out now called “Behind These Hazel Eyes.” Hazel eyes?? Hazel??? They couldn't think of a better looking color, like blue or green? I’m sorry, but a mish-mash of brown/green/black/blue eye color just doesn’t say “this is a cool song” to me.

…and just for you, the loyal reader, I looked up what Kelly Clarkson’s real eye color is, and it isn’t even hazel! It’s brown!

2005-06-13T22:43:00.000-04:00

MICHAEL JACKSON VERDICT

I knew Michael Jackson would be found not guilty because:

a) The prosecution’s case was weak,
b) Michael Jackson is a celebrity, and they always get off (oooh, I just realized that's a sick pun)
c) Chris Tucker is one of the finest expert character witnesses who can always be counted on to comply with the law. I mean, if you overlook his whole marijuana smoking thing that is..

2005-06-04T22:48:00.000-04:00

MENTAL CONDITIONS

I’m severely lackadaisical about blogging lately. I have blogpression. And for that I’m sorry.

--No! I’m not sorry! My blogerapist said it’s not okay for me to apologize for my condition! No! I won’t! No no no!

2005-05-17T22:43:00.000-04:00

AMERICAN IDOL 2005

So I feel bad that I haven’t written American Idol this season. But I have been watching it, and have only one thing to say about it: Bo Bice is the man!!! Could he possibly get any cooler?? If anyone had any doubt that he shouldn’t be the American Idol, they need not doubt anymore, because his a capella performace tonight was wicked! How gutsy. The difference between the two rockers this season—Constantine and Bo—is that Constantine was so self-consciously cool, a real poser, while Bo just IS cool. That’s why he’s gonna be the Idol this year, and the coolest one ever to boot.

2005-05-16T11:42:00.000-04:00

LITTLE BIG SHOW

My brother has unwittingly put me in a quandary tonight: Do I watch the series finale of Everybody Loves Raymond—my ARCHNEMESIS TV show, as any who read this site would know—or NOT watch it. It would be of interest to watch if only for prosperity’s sake. I know what every other episode entails (Ray’s parents annoy him and his family, ad nauseum). But what will the finale contain? Probably the usual sap quotient, but nonetheless, I might have to bring myself to watch it.

2005-05-13T23:22:00.000-04:00

LOSING THE NAME GAME

One thing that really bothers me is when people take their otherwise normal, ordinary name and add a useless letter to it, i.e. Dann, Robb, or Gregg. Here’s one I just saw in use that is one of the worst offenders of this problem: Curtiss. No, that’s not a typo you see, that is how that person actually spells their name.

I’m not quite sure what this extra letter accomplishes. If you’re using the above names as nicknames for their proper names, Daniel, Robert, or Gregory, you subtract 3 letters, and then just end up adding another one in! If this is an attempt to be different, it doesn’t work. Everytime someone asked you your name, you’d have to say “It’s Gregg—two G’s.”

This would be like spelling my name Mattt. It just don’t work people!

2005-05-04T14:07:00.000-04:00

"HOT NEW THINGS"

If you haven't been keeping up on all the things that are "in," "hip," and "with it," never fear. I am here to keep you updated on all the cool new things.

1) Celebrity reality shows. It's the cool thing to do to revive a flagging career. It all started with The Osbournes and Newlyweds. Then the realization came to other attention-starved celebrities--hey! This can make you kinda famous all over again! So now you've got The Surreal Life lumping together a bunch hasbeens in one show, Farrah Fawcett in in a show, Paris Hilton in a one, and even Britney Spears is hopping on the bandwagon now.

2) The name Bo. This is the hot new name. You've got characters in movies named Bo (Paparazzi), revivals of beloved characters named Bo (Bo Duke in the Dukes of Hazzard movie), and reality show members named Bo (Bo Bice on American Idol). *Note: This does not include the spelling of the name as 'Beau,' so sorry Beau Bridges, I'm afraid you're not cool again (if you ever even were).

3) Adding flavors to flavors. This is all the rage these days. It all started when they added cherry to Coke, but now it's in full swing, what with your lemon, lime, and vanilla flavors in Coke and Pepsi, the topper to them all, adding multiple flavors to the same beverage: Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. How many more flavors can be added at once? Only time will tell.

2005-05-01T11:41:00.000-04:00

TUNING OUT THE TURNING OFF

So today, TV Turoff Week finally ends. While of course I didn't take part in the TV turning off festivities--seeing as how the TV is my only friend--I have always had a problem with this week. When I was a young lad in elementary school, if we didn't watch TV for the week, we were rewarded with a sundae. Oooh! Ice cream?? For simply not watching TV??? Wow!! Or, I could just watch TV and eat the ice cream. What a concept that is.

2005-04-21T20:57:00.001-04:00

HE SHOULDA GONE TO TRAVELOCITY

Thanks to an astute observation of a reader, who pointed out that in my last post--on how I felt about the pope needing to retire--was ironic because he died a week later, made me realize that now that post might sound rather callous. I didn’t mean I wanted him to take the BIG retirement. I just feel bad he never got to take a Carribbean vacation. Do you think the pope ever took a vacation? Hmmm…I don’t know… If you can answer this, I’ll give you a shiny new nickel!

2005-03-27T23:32:00.000-05:00

BIG POPIN' REDUX

I've said it before, some year and a half ago, but I think it warrants repeating on this Easter Sunday: THE POPE NEEDS TO RETIRE. I seriously feel bad for the guy. He's a trooper. He's giving it his all. But he just can't do it anymore. I suggest he retire, relax, sit on a beach in the Carribbean, have some pretty girls in bikinis serve him a few MaI Tais, and ponder his papal legacy. I'll chill wit' you dawg!

2005-03-21T22:38:00.000-05:00

DEADER THAN THE DELOREAN

John DeLorean, creator of the DeLorean automobile, died this weekend. I always thought that DeLoreans were the COOLEST cars EVER. Because any car good enough for Doc Brown and Marty McFly is good in my book. I wish I had one. And if it also happened to travel through time when it hit the speed of 88 miles per hour, that would be all the cooler.

2005-03-13T12:06:00.000-05:00

SO CALLED "EXPERTS"

Here's the headline for a recent story in the newspaper:

Census: Maine now nation's oldest state
The medinan age is 40.6 years - and experts say the state's population will continue to grow older.

Nuh uh! The state's population will continue to grow older?? Get outta town! Boy, I sure am glad there are experts to tell us these things or we'd be lost for sure!

2005-03-08T23:43:00.000-05:00

YE OLDEN DAYS

I see that Blogger recently updated the way their comment system works. This is just one of the numerous cool improvements that was made to Blogger after it was bought by Google. But I'm from the old school, where we had to trudge to school thirty miles through five foot deep snow and get our own comment systems dammit! That's why I am the way I am, it was a lot character building.

2005-03-07T13:59:00.000-05:00

I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDA!

A Matt MacDonald simulblog

The new reality show from Sylvester Stallone and Survivor creator Mark Burnett, The Contender, premieres tonight. I predict that this show will fail miserably, for one reason and one reason only: It's about BOXING. Boxing doesn't have the following that other sports do. It caters to an elite crowd that is willing to spend $2000 on seat in Caesar's Palace= or fork over $50 for the pay-per-view. Even less people follow boxing now that there are no real marquee names anymore. So who wants to follow a bunch of no-names duking it out and a washed-up has-been like Sylvester Stallone? Uh uh. Not me. No sir. My dial will NOT be tuned into that.

2005-03-01T20:28:00.000-05:00

HEY, 50% IS BETTER THAN 0%!

Okay, so I stunk with my Oscar picks, I only got half of 'em right. My theory that you can call the winners easily was shot to pieces. My problem was that I went The Aviator route instead of the Million Dollar Baby route. I was wrong, and I only have one thing to say about that: WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE FINALLY GIVE MARTIN SCORSESE AN OSCAR???

2005-02-27T20:46:00.000-05:00

ROCKIN' IT

Isn't it ironic that Chris Rock, star of such legendary bad movies as Head of State, Down to Earth, and Pootie Tang, is hosting a ceremony where they honor excellence in movies??

2005-02-27T11:58:00.000-05:00

OSCAR WINNERS: SEE 'EM COMING A MILE AWAY

The Academy Awards are tonight. Yes, that means yet another year of interminably long acceptance speeches, Joan and Melissa Rivers carping about the best and worst dressed, and endless replays of Bjork and her swan dress.

The thing I hate about the Academy Awards is that so many crtics analyze it over and over and the Golden Globes take place a month beforehand, that you basically know who's going to win and Oscar before the show even happens.

So here, without having seen any of the nominated films, I, like everyone else in the universe, will give my Oscar picks for the major categories to see if my theory is correct:

Best Picture: The Aviator
Best Actor: Jamie Foxx
Best Actress: Hillary Swank
Best Supporting Actor: Alan Alda *gutsy pick*
Best Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett
Best Director: Martin Scorsese

2005-02-26T11:30:00.000-05:00

*sniffle* I'M SO PROUD!

I saw a show advertised today called Scar Talk. It's a show where kids show off their bodily scars. This is a Saturday morning show, mind you. Featuring kids. Aimed at kids. Talking about scars!! Could it get more grotesque??? Would you ever want to sit in front of TV and look at some kid's scar??? Will kids be sitting there admiring it and say, "Oooh, that's nice...I wish I had one of those..."??? This show is going to get kids to participate in ever-escalating stunts in an attempt to get a really hideous scar so they can be on Scar Talk and brag about it.

Imagine...

"Yeah, I was taking a jump off my skateboarding ramp, and I hit the ground and fell in the way of a running lawnmower, which shredded up my arm, then an escaped tiger ran up to me and clamped down on it, then a school of piranhas, drawn by the blood, jumped out of the Amazon river and came all the way over here to chomp on my arm--but see my cool scars!"

Yup, this show is the Jackass for pre-pubescents.

2005-02-25T14:07:00.000-05:00

JACKSON'S ACTION

I wish they would allow cameras in the courtroom for the Michael Jackson trial, because I would be glued to it. Even though the risks--such as having to look at Michael's freak nasty face--are great, I would risk it. I am not afraid.

2005-02-04T22:03:00.000-05:00

HEADCASE

Don't you hate when Wilson-Phillips' "Hold On" suddenly, randomly, out of the blue pops into your head for an interminably long time? errr--not that that's happened to me...

2005-02-01T18:43:00.000-05:00

OH THE IRONY!

Today I was searching through my vast amount of silverware and was reminded of Alanis Morrisette. That's bizarre, you say. Not really, when you consider that pawing through my silverware was "like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife." That's all I needed. A knife. I have a ton of spoons, but a knife was hard to come by. So Alanis, I'm with ya sister. I now know just how "ironic" that situation can be.

2005-01-30T10:55:00.000-05:00

Friends, I have seen the future of candy. And it is the Wonka Nerds Rope. Go buy one now. Impress your friends. Make your enemies envious. Partake in the stretchy, nerdy goodness. You'll be glad you did.

2005-01-10T22:36:00.000-05:00

ANOTHER REASON NOT TO MEET YOUR MATE THROUGH REALITY TELEVISION

On a commercial for tonight's The Bachelorette, there's a scene with all the men fighting, and one guy says something that makes me think that he is perhaps the obvious pick for first guy to get kicked out. He says, in anger at another suitor, "I'll chew you up like a piece of garbage!" That is the DUMBEST threat I have ever heard. Hey pal, I think you're mixing up your metaphors a bit there. You don't chew garbage! And if he does, I don't think the bachelorette will want to kiss him. And if she does, he should at least use some Oral B Brushups beforehand to rid his mouth of that foul garbage taste!

2005-01-08T22:11:00.000-05:00

I'LL HAVE SOME NOW...AND NONE LATER

I've been eating a bag of yummy chewy Now and Later candy, and while they are delicious, I was left a bit disappointed. This is because while there are approximately 35 candies in the bag, according to the "nutritional" facts, there were only FOUR green ones! Four! In the entire bag! What is up with that?? Green is my favorite! They couldn't bother to include some more of them?? Would adding a few more greens really be that much more trouble?? And to add to the disappointment, there weren't many yellows either. So I have to "settle" for an abundance of purple and reds. Oh woe, woe is me.

2005-01-05T23:51:00.000-05:00

...aaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm spent. Posts to come soon at long last friends...

2004-12-15T21:36:00.000-05:00

REVIEWS FOR THE USELESS

Cruising Amazon.com and needing batteries for something I was buying, I went to get some on there and saw a "Be the first to write a review of this item!" link on the page. I thought, why would somebody ever write a review on batteries? Everyone knows what they are and what they're used for. But then, being the cynical, sarcastic genius that I am, thought, hey, I should write a review! Filled with my trademark biting humor and dazzling wit. So it's posted. You can read it here.

2004-12-04T01:00:00.000-05:00

SEVENTY-TUPAL JEOPARDY

Is anyone else glad that Ken Jennings FINALLY lost on Jeopardy after 70-some wins?? Frankly, it got pretty dang boring watching the same guy win over and over and over times 70. I don't wanna see the same person every single show. And how did this guy think of 70 interesting things to say about himself every show? Heck, I'd have a hard time thinking of one. Hmmm...maybe that's why he won 70 times and I've won zero times.

2004-12-03T11:11:00.000-05:00

HOT DANG! FIRE ME UP SOMMA DAT NEW TEKNAWLAJEE!

Wooohoo! I bought a new cell phone! And it is TOTALLY RAD. My other one died *sniffle* but I took it like a man and said, well, out with the old, in with the new. I went in to get one having very strict requirements.

I needed:

Wireless internet
Camera
Video
Bluetooth
Quality screen
Good battery life

There. Is that too much to ask for? --Oh I'm sorry, what? It actually makes phone calls too?? Well I'll be.